


Matt v Four A.M. Thoughts

by thatsprettyfuckinggaydude



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Self-Hatred, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 01:57:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7665880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsprettyfuckinggaydude/pseuds/thatsprettyfuckinggaydude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So there Matt was.</p><p>He was laying in bed at four in the morning. Nearly everything in his body ached. Everything hurt. </p><p>That was because he had been spending almost all of his time off work out crime fighting. </p><p>He told himself it was for the benefit of other people. He told himself he just wanted to stop just a few more people from getting hurt. Which was true, for the most part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Matt v Four A.M. Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> So this takes place after Matt is healed up (not really but almost) after the fight between him and Foggy. I just watched the netflix series again lol.

So there Matt was.

He was laying in bed at four in the morning. Nearly everything in his body ached. Everything hurt. 

That was because he had been spending almost all of his time off work out crime fighting. 

He told himself it was for the benefit of other people. He told himself he just wanted to stop just a few more people from getting hurt. Which was true, for the most part. 

He honestly did want to get as many bad people off the streets as possible. But he knew he couldn't save everyone, and that it was useless trying to do so. This was not a one man job. Although, he did have ulterior reasons for doing this to himself. 

He had been avoiding thinking about this. About him. He kept his mind occupied so he wouldn't have to think about how Foggy reacted around him. He supposes he is going to have to think this over sometime, or else he would kill himself trying to escape what had happened. 

When Foggy found out he was Daredevil, it killed him. And knowing that Matt was the one who hurt Foggy so badly, it might as well have killed him too. 

He should have just told Foggy. Maybe it wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe Foggy would still want to be his friend. Maybe he would still want to be around him. 

But it was too late. Matt shattered Foggy's trust. If he would ever get Foggy back, it would have to take a lot of work. At this moment though, it seemed impossible. 

It's not like he deserved Foggy anyway. Foggy was brilliant, smart, funny, and everything anyone could ever want in a friend. And he had lost that. 

It was all his fault. It wasn't like he could blame it on someone else, even if he wanted to. He deserved every bit of the suffocating guilt he felt. He deserved every wound he got when he went out looking for trouble. All the pain he felt, whether inside or out, was warranted. 

It felt kind of like how it feels when someone is choking you. You can't breath, you try to escape, try to make it release you from it's grasp, but it just keeps going. It holds you down, it makes it so that you feel weak, and pitiful, and helpless. The longer it has you, the more it hurts. The longer it has it's hands around you, the more it burns. 

Matt wishes Foggy would have been angrier. Matt wishes Foggy would have tried to hurt him. He would probably feel better if Foggy had punched him in the face until he passed out again rather than what had actually happened. 

Foggy had started crying, after they had talked about what Matt had been up to for a while. That hurt worse than any fist could have. He would rather have got shot then make Foggy cry. 

Maybe he should go to confession. They say it helps if you try to get it all off your chest. Then again, would it really? How much could telling someone how he betrayed his best friend really help?

Matt found himself glad that at least he didn't have to see Foggy’s face when he found out. Or when he was crying. Or every time he happens to have the misfortune of walking past him outside of their law firm. 

Their law firm. Or at least, what he hopes will still be their law firm, anyway. If he manages to fix all this. And oh god, does he want to fix all this. He just wishes he knew how. 

Another thing, is that it isn't even just Foggy. It Karen too. 

At this realization, it was like someone twisted the burning knife that was already in his chest.

He didn't mean for this to get to Karen. Hurting Foggy was bad enough, but that fact that he was hurting Karen on top of it, was unbearable. He was hurting his two best friends. 

It wasn't fair to her that the fight between him and Foggy was messing with her life too. She doesn't deserve this. Although, neither did Foggy. 

Maybe if he tells Karen, he can still salvage what is left of his friendships. It doesn't want to ruin things worse than they already are. If he tells Karen, they maybe it won't turn out like Foggy. 

His friends mean the world to Matt. He can't afford to lose what only ones he has.

But then again, he can't just let this crime happen. He has to do something about it. If you have the ability to help people, you should take that chance the second you see it. Matt had that chance, and he took it. Why wouldn't you want to help someone when they need it? If you see someone on the ground, wouldn't you let them take your hand? Wouldn't you help them get up? Wouldn't you try to stop the person that pushed them down, so they couldn't do that to anyone else?

That is why Matt does this. He wants to make his people, the innocent people who live around him, in his city, safe. He has the ability to help the people of Hell’s Kitchen, so he uses that ability. Why let it go to waste?

Matt just lays there in his bed. He lays there, and lets the guilt take over. It rolls over him like waves. The guilt from doing this to Foggy and Karens, and the need to help save lives. The sound of Foggy crying, of Karen’s disappointment, and the want to save Hell’s Kitchen. 

It wasn't like he did what he did for fun. He did it because he needed to. He needed to help those who couldn't save themselves, those who couldn't be saved by the police. Hell’s Kitchen needed someone like him. 

From where he was, he could help people inside, and outside the law.

But was it worth it?

He could still help people without the costume, even if it had some restrictions. If he stopped going out to beat thugs in the middle of the night, then maybe he could repair his friendships easier. 

No. That wasn't an option. Daredevil was a part of him now. 

As much as he wanted Foggy and Karen in his life, and god did he want them in his life, he couldn't just stop potentially saving dozens of people from pain, debt or even death. 

He supposed, even if he life did happen to crumble underneath him, there would always be criminals to be stopped. There would always be someone's life in danger. There would always be a threat that he could stop. 

But what was the point if he wasn't happy? What was the point if he didn't have a real life to come back to when he took off his mask?

He knew he had to fix everything he had managed to mess up. He didn't know how, but he couldn't just give up. You can't give up someone as special as your best friends. You can't just give up on someone like Foggy and Karen. 

And with that promise to himself, Matt prayed he could follow through.

His last thoughts before he drifted off to sleep, well, more of a nap at this point, were of him laughing with his friends when this was all over.


End file.
